A Very Merry COVID: Deployed Soldier Addition

Since March, it seems all we keep hearing is “Well, I guess (holiday/activity) is going to look a bit different this year”.  We are a society still learning how to navigate “these unprecedented times” and, unfortunately, it doesn’t look like things will be getting back to normal anytime soon.  People are finding different ways to make their holidays special (Halloween Haunted Egg Hunt anyone?). But what if your holidays were already going to be different this year, without COVID-19 limiting your activities and festive gatherings? What if your soldier is deployed this holiday season?   

The significant other of a deployed soldier seemingly has the weight of the world on their shoulders when it comes to maintaining the routine at home and keeping things “normal”.   They often bend over backwards to try to fill the void in their home while their soldier is gone.  They stretch themselves thin trying to fill the roles of both partners in the relationship, especially when there are children involved. 

But what if you don’t have kids?  Are your feelings still valid even though you think “others have it worse”? Simply put, yes.  Whether this is the first deployment or 100th, spending the holidays away from your soldier is not easy. Spending the holidays away from your soldier when seemingly all the fun holiday “distractions” have been cancelled? Even harder.  Add the fact that it is basically dark at lunchtime and getting colder by the minute, and it seems like we could all use a little extra cheer this year.  But how? Like I said, all the fun things have been cancelled. 

Here are a few do’s and don’ts for what I’m calling: “A Very Merry COVID: Deployed Soldier Addition”. 

Do: Decorate your home: You know that saying, “When you look good, you feel good”?   The same applies to your home.  Put up  the tree, string the garland, light the menorah.  It may feel silly because “It’s just me here” but guess what?  “Just you” matters.   

Do: Host a holiday zoom party: OK, OK.  I know Zoom coffee dates, and Zoom happy hours are so April 2020.  But you gotta admit… they were kinda fun.  Plus, when someone makes a joke about not wearing pants, you don’t actually have to fear that Uncle Albert has gotten into the eggnog again. The key to a successful virtual party is to have planned activities. This way you aren’t all just staring at each other waiting for someone’s pet to come on screen so you have something to talk about.  Plan ahead:  Send out an actual invitation (remember those?) with a scavenger hunt included (in a sealed envelope of course. You know Uncle Albert would totally gather his items ahead of time).  Separate your guests into two teams and play virtual Family Feud. The point is: Yes, we have all been on Zoom for months now and the novelty is wearing a bit thin.  No, Uncle Albert probably won’t finally learn how to unmute himself on the first try (although Christmas miracles can happen).  But with a little bit of planning and the magic of the internet, you don’t have to miss out on your annual holiday parties and festive family/friend time.  

Do: Ask for help: You are an expert on you.  Trust that.  If you feel like you are sleeping more than normal, over/under eating, feeling overall down, recognize that you may need a little extra support right now.  Seek out a mental health professional, spiritual advisor, friend, or family member.  Talk to your Family Readiness Group Leader, rear-detachment support, or Chaplin.  Just as you feed your body when it’s hungry, you may need to spend a little extra time feeding your soul this holiday season.  

Do: Feed your Soul: Speaking of feeding your soul… what does that look like for you? Self-care is going to be extra important for you this holiday season.  What do you do for you?  Take a bubble bath, read that romance novel, go for a hike, whatever taking time for you looks like, do that.  You know how flight attendants always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others? You can’t be the support for your soldier if you aren’t taking care of yourself.  If you find that you are not taking time for yourself, get out that planner and make use of the last few pages.  Schedule it in.  Write it down.  Make it happen.  

Don’t: Overindulge in holiday treats: Yes, you can (and should) still spend time baking and decorating the holiday treats if that is what you enjoy doing.  However, consider gifting them to your neighbors (if you can do so safely) or leaving them out for your Amazon delivery driver.  Obviously, keeping some to yourself… you know… for quality control.  

Don’t: forget to set boundaries (especially with family members “trying to help”): Whether this is your first deployment, or it is old hat at this point, you’re going to experience “the look”. You know, the “oh, this must be so hard for you” look. The “I don’t know how you do it “look.  The “poor thing” look.  When we get it, we tend to stiffen our upper lip, put our big girl/boy face on, and show what a tough person your soldier married.   “The look” is inevitable, so what can you do?  Establish your boundaries. You get to decide when and where you talk about your soldier.  Be open with your family members.  Remember, they give “the look” because they do care. This may be new ground for everyone.  So, tell them how you are feeling.  Trust me, it will make “the look” go away faster. It’s ok to say, “Ya, this has been really hard, but getting together with family has been a nice distraction. Thank you for thinking of us”. 

Don’t: feel guilty: We have a tendency to feel guilty for having fun when our soldier is deployed.  Afterall, they are “in the suck”, up at all hours, completing their mission.  So, how can you possibly be over here having fun? Trust me.  Your soldier wants you to have fun experiences.  They even want to hear about them! Next time you get to talk/email/video chat with them think about how happy they will be hearing you did something that brought you joy.  Remember they love you, and even though they would like to be here joining in your celebration they will be happy to know you are doing ok. It gives them a bit of a reminder of why they do what they do.  

Bonus Do: Remember there is no “right” or “wrong” way to celebrate the holidays during a pandemic when your spouse is deployed.  There is no handbook written on this (although this blog can serve in a pinch). The most important thing to remember is: You get to be in charge of you.